A Year of Losses and Gains

6

December 31, 2023 by Jean

But something’s lost and something’s gained in living every day.                             -Joni Mitchell, “Both Sides Now”

Although I have mostly neglected this blog in 2023, the end of the year seems an apt time to look back on the highs and lows, the gains and losses.

The big loss of the year was the death of the first of my siblings in October. At this stage of my life, I have to be prepared for such losses, but I suppose I assumed that we would die roughly in the order that we were born – oldest first. Instead I received word in early October from a nephew in Florida that my younger brother, ten years my junior, had been taken to the ER by ambulance after collapsing at home and was now in the ICU. At first, it appeared that he had suffered a mild stroke with no permanent brain damage; but the stroke turned out to be the least of his problems. Doctors quickly discovered that he was suffering from a massive infection that had probably begun in his mouth, gotten into his blood stream, and traveled from there to his heart, lungs, brain, and spleen. Although the doctors tried valiantly to get him stabilized so that they could operate on the heart valves that had been damaged by the infection, it was not to be. One by one, his organs began to fail, and he was dead by the end of the month.

My brother had moved to Florida as a young man, and that was where he spent his adult life and raised his children. I saw him infrequently during those decades, but we always enjoyed one another’s company enormously when we had an opportunity to visit, and in between, we kept in touch through sporadic email exchanges. I was very grateful to his adult children for asking me to draft his obituary, which gave me a chance to revisit memories and process my grief by exploring all the things I loved about my brother. Early in the New Year, I will travel to Florida with other siblings to participate in a Celebration of Life on the occasion of what would have been my brother’s 66th birthday.

Although they were tiny in comparison with the loss of my brother, I experienced other losses in 2023. One of these was a loss of confidence in my driving after a second car crash in less than a year. Neither of these accidents was my fault: In the first, I was rear-ended by a distracted driver while driving on a country road; in the second, the front of my car was hit while I was stopped at a stop sign by an inexperienced driver who misjudged a turn at the intersection. Still, I now face even short drives with some trepidation. I also lost the joy of choral singing for most of 2023, a result of my decision to sit out the 2022-23 season due to risks of contracting Covid.

Fortunately, my losses were at least partially offset by many gains in 2023. As someone who lives alone, I am always aware of the dangers of social isolation, especially in winter. In winter 2023, to compensate for the loss of weekly interactions with my choral singing group, I joined a book group at my local library and gained new relationships and thoughtful monthly discussions of books I wouldn’t have otherwise read. Although I’ve gone back to choral singing this year – another gain! – I intend to hang onto the pleasures of participating in this book group. I also gained new friends this year, mostly through my participation in the Lewiston-Auburn Senior College, and rekindled my relationship with a childhood friend whom I had not seen in more than fifty years. I gained new neighbors when a young couple bought the house next door to mine, and I am enjoying the pleasures of getting to know them. I also gained new ways to contribute to the community when I got involved with a Maine initiative on solo aging and when I took on a new volunteer role helping a disabled woman who lives alone and is at risk of social isolation.

Some of my gains are cyclical or seasonal, coming back around each year. Right now, I am looking with great satisfaction at a freezer full of delicious food to see me through the winter, the result of preserving the bounty of fall’s harvest and of my annual orgy of cooking around the Christmas holiday. My garden is always a source of seasonal pleasures and gains. This year, I gained many new plants, including a gazillion seedlings from native columbine seeds that I gathered and sowed. I also gained a whole new planting when I undertook the renovation of an old, tired flower bed at the back of the garden.

I am looking forward to gaining new pleasures, new experiences, and new relationships in the New Year. Here’s hoping that the gains of the coming year outweigh the losses that are inevitable at this stage of life. Happy New Year!